I just got back from Disneyland (it was a toss up between DLand and Vegas.) But anyway I had this revelation while I was there. It all started when I was in Toon Town waiting to shake Mickey's hand. I noticed how the whole point of his life had become centered around taking pictures with little kids and charging them up the A for the pics. And I was like OH SNAP! Mickey has sold his soul to the corporate machine (well this is old news I guess...but I didn't realize how bad it had gotten). So I started to think about when was the last time a Mickey Mouse cartoon came out. Wasn't it like 1939? That bastard quit acting (j/k you know I'm a sucker for you Mickey!)
But anyway if Mickey ever really did "officially resigned from acting," I imagine he would have written a letter like this to the press and public:
Attention Toon Town and my loving fans:
I, Mickey, am leaving the game. I'm on top and it's time to get out. Thus, my days as an actor are over. You are probably wondering why I have come to this conclusion. But shiiiiiiiittt people! I already got my main squeeze, Minnie, I can make more Benjamins taking pictures with crying brats than I can acting, and I got royalties coming my way till Hell freezes over so I'm saying F*CK all you fools! I'm out! I'm taking your money and am going to play poker with it. PROFESSIONALLY! Shit, if Jennifer Tilly can do it, why can't I? I mean for Christ sakes! Do you realize how good my poker face is? You try smiling 50 years straight for booger-picking kids and their obnoxious parents and you'll see how good your poker face gets!
That's right! From this day forward I'm gonna be a poker player and if you see me on the street I'm going to give you all the finger. No more smiling mouse acting all cheery 24 mother f*cking 7! Those days are dead!
And you know what? You're still going to love me! I got my park and will feed you smiling, colorful propaganda and you're going to eat it all up, letting me milk you for all your green. HA Bitches! I'm gonna be an ass to you and you're gonna keep me in a sick ride, Minnie looking fly, my bankroll deep, and expand my Empire! Speaking of empires, look for the Disney Casino coming soon (equipped with Fast Pass entrances and a marketable new line of smiling aces and poker chip characters that will take pictures with your kids.)
In the meantime people of the world (Cali, Orlando, Paris, Tokyo, Hong Kong, Cruise ships, and soon Shanghai), I hope you enjoy the longer wait time in lines, jacked up prices, and my smiling face.
So, call me the Phil Hellmuth of cartoons. Actually, F that. Call Phill Hellmuth the Mickey Mouse of Poker!
P.S. Donald and Goofy if you need me, Pluto and I will be down in New Orleans Square playing some Hold'em at Club 33. Time to cash in. I got Joe Cada in my radar... yeah, I remember you Joe! I remember all you brats!
P.P.S. If any of you think I have a gambling problem I will kill you!
P.P.P.S. Buzz Lightyear, I'm coming for ya...
December 2, 2009
December 2, 2009